If women want men included in their little rituals, they must, for the sake of the shower’s success, think of the men. Women must actually consider what would make a guy want to waste an entire weekend afternoon doing something that didn’t involve sports, action movies, sleeping, or a combination therein. You see, to entice a guy you must think like one. And that’s not easy, even for those of us who’ve had lots of practice.

Invitations
Curb the basic creative urges. Implementing old baby photos of the soon-to-be mama and papa creates too much emotional ambiguity for the guy. How can he be having a child, if he still enjoys being one himself? Invites should be simple and non-descript. If you just have to be creative, print them in the style of the guy’s favorite hobby. From the easy (typed on blank bowling/golf scoring sheets) to the more difficult (chyroned over a scene from his favorite movie and delivered on video cassette) this is a sure-fire way to start the party off on a high note.

Food
Avoid the delicate finger foods. A guy does not want to eat anything so small that it forces his pinky finger to stick out. Grill up burgers and hot dogs, anything that resembles a tail-gate party can’t be half bad.

Baby Names
Refrain from discussing your choices. No name will be loved by everyone and guys want everything they do to be loved by everyone. A party filled with close relations can kill dozens of potentially perfect monickers. If people ask for the baby’s name, go with something humorously off-putting like Cher, Groucho or Scooby.

Shower Games
All cutesy shower games must be wagered on. It doesn’t have to be for money, just as long as the pure simple act of gambling is involved. Play that game where people guess the baby food flavor and watch guys run off screaming. Play a version where you bet on the first person to guess all the flavors and watch out. The guys will be first in line to participate.

Birthing Stories
Institute a fun policy… Each person caught using the words, OBGYN, hospital, dilate, or epidural gets a diaper pin clipped to their clothes. The person with the most pins at the end of the party is forced to do a funny stunt. Once again, serious baby talk bad, mindless competition good.

Gifts
Do not make a guy endure a marathon gift opening session. Do not make a guy do anything for longer than fifteen minutes for that matter. Break-up the gift giving part of the shower with gag gifts just for dad. A well-timed joke book will keep him involved in the rattles and swaddling clothes, and the fake poopy diaper will keep him laughing well into his next kid’s baby shower.

-- Tony Marsh